HILLARY CLINTON: When I was First Lady, I personally helped that little chicken cross the road. This experience makes me uniquely qualified to ensure right from Day One that every chicken in this country gets the chance it deserves to cross the road. But then, this really isn't about me.
GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.
DONALD TRUMP: Nobody knows more about chickens than me! I'll tell you that Donald Trump is calling for a total and complete shutdown of chickens crossing the roads, and we're going to make America great again. Believe me: we will build a bigly wall. And in that wall we're going to have a terrific, fat door where chickens can cross the road, but they have to cross legally because we have to be very careful in the United States. We have to be very, very vigilant about who we allow to cross our roads. Until we figure out what is going on, then we'll see what happens.
TED CRUZ: To the revolutionary understanding that all chickens are created equal, that their rights do not come from the Democratic Party or the Republican Party. That their rights come from the Creator-- they shall cross the road. However, we need to empower law enforcement to patrol and secure chickens before they cross the road and become radicalized.
BERNIE SANDERS: Let me say. Let me say something that may not be great politics. But I think the chickens are right about crossing the road, and that is that the chickens are sick and tired of hearing about Clinton's damn emails.
ARISTOTLE: The end toward which a chicken crosses the road is happiness.
THOMAS HOBBES: The chicken crosses the road because it is motivated by self-interest and the quest for power.
JOHN LOCKE: The chicken is bestowed with certain God-given natural rights of life and liberty to cross those roads.
DAVID HUME: What makes us so certain that the chicken crossing the road today will cross the road tomorrow? Our assumptions about matters of fact are based merely upon the present testimony of our senses. Moreover, since we can only construct general principles to explain our world, can we ever know the ultimate reason or cause why the chicken crossed the road?
ALBERT CAMUS: In a confrontation of revolt between the chicken and its own obscurity, by crossing the road and knowing it is absurd, the chicken is living the experience, a particular fate: that life will be lived all the better if it has no meaning.