It's that time of the year again: A Selection of Final Exams for Your Perusal

                                                                                                  

Public Speaking:  Thirty-eight riot-crazed aborigines will storm the classroom in three minutes.  Calm them.  You may use any ancient language, except Sumerian, Latin, or Greek.

Music: Write a piano concerto.  Orchestrate and perform it with kazoo and bongos. You will find a piano under your seat.

Biology:  Create life.  Estimate the difference in subsequent human cultures if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier.  Give special attention to its probable effect on the English Parliamentary System.  Prove your thesis.

Engineering:  The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk.  You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili.  In 10 minutes, a hungry and irritated Bengal Tiger will be admitted to the classroom.  Take whatever action you feel appropriate.  Be prepared to justify your decision.

English:  Using a formalistic or Machiavellian perspective, compare and contrast Lewis Carroll’s Alice in Wonderland with the “The Patriot Act” (107^th Congress), the Bush-Cheney Doctrine of pre-emptive strike, and Trump's Iranian obsession.  Draw your own intelligent generalizations based on the content and development of the English language and Orwell's Double-speak. 

History:  Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present, concentrating especially but not exclusively, on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, South and North America. Be brief, concise, and specific.

Political Science:  There is a red telephone on the desk beside you.  Start World War III. Report at length its socio-political effects, if any.

Economics:  Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt.  Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Annual Darwin Awards, and the wave theory of light.  Outline a method for preventing these effects.  Criticize this method from all possible points of view. 

Sociology:  Estimate the sociological problems which might accompany the end of the world.  Construct an experiment to test your theory. 

Psychology:  Based upon your knowledge of their effects on the world, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following: Vladimir the Impaler, Genghis Khan, Ivan the Terrible, Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, Pol Pot, Idi Amin, Kim Jong-Il, Richard Nixon, Vladimir Putin, and Donald J. Trump.  Support your evaluation through use of a priori and a posteriori data and synthetic reasoning.

Epistemology:  Take a position for or against truth.  Prove the validity of your position without reference to Cartesian doubt.

Medicine:  You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch: remove your appendix.  Do not suture until your work has been inspected.  You have 40 minutes.

Decades ago, I passed a Not-So-Humorous Comprehensive Exam in English & American Literature. The instructions for this real absurdity:

“The exam contains two parts, each a session of two hours, administered on successive days. In the first session, candidates are examined on a standard reading list which is given below. Questions will ask you to demonstrate a good knowledge of the listed texts and an ability to draw intelligent generalizations on the content and development of English and American literature based on those texts. The second day’s session will consist of intensive questions on a specific text or texts to be announced approximately five weeks before the exam dates. In this session you are asked to demonstrate competence in critical reading apart from historical considerations.”

The Reading List:

Beowulf

Chaucer: Knight’s Tale, Miller’s Tale, Nun’s Priest’s Tale

Second Shepherds’ Play (Towneley Cycle)

Sidney: An Apology for Poetry

Spenser: The Faerie Queene, Book 1

Marlowe: Dr. Faustus

Shakespeare: King Lear

Jonson: The Alchemist (or) Volpone

Donne: Satire III, “A Valediction: Forbidding Mourning,” “Love’s Alchemy,” “Good Friday 1613, Riding Westward”

King James Bible: Ecclesiastes

Milton: Paradise Lost, Books I, III and IX; Areopagitica

Marvell: “The Garden,” “To His Coy Mistress,” “An Horatian Ode”

Dryden: Preface to Fables, “Alexander’s Feast,” “Mac Flecknoe”

Congreve: The Way of the World

Swift: Gulliver’s Travels

Pope: The Rape of the Lock

Johnson: Preface to Shakespeare, Life of Cowley, Life of Milton

Austen: Pride and Prejudice

Blake: Songs from Innocence: “The Lamb,” The Divine Image,” The Chimney Sweeper,” “The Little Black Boy”; Songs of Experience: “The Tyger,” “The Chimney Sweeper,” “London”

Wordsworth: The Prelude, Books I & II; “Tintern Abbey”; Preface to the Second Edition of Lyrical Ballads

Keats: “Ode on a Grecian Urn,” “Autumn”

Dickens: Great Expectations (or) Bleak House

Browning: “My Last Duchess,” “Fra Lippo Lippi”

Arnold: “the Function of Criticism at the Present Time,” “Wordsworth,” “The Study of Poetry”

Shaw: Arms and the Man

Yeats: “Sailing to Byzantium,” “Among School Children,” “Byzantium”

Conrad: Lord Jim

Lawrence: Women in Love

Joyce: “Araby,” “The Dead”

Beckett: Waiting for Godot

E. Taylor: “Meditation One,” Meditation Eight,” “Huswifery”

Franklin: Autobiography

Hawthorne: The Scarlett Letter (or) The Blithedale Romance

Melville: Moby Dick

Emerson: Nature, “The American Scholar,” “Experience”

Thoreau: Walden, “Civil Disobedience”

Whitman: “Song of Myself,” “When Lilacs Last in Dooryard Bloomed,” “Democratic Vistas”

Dickinson: “There’s a certain slant of light,” “The soul selects,” “A bird came down the walk,” “After great pain,” “I died for beauty,” “I cannot live with you,” “Pink, small, and punctual”

Twain: Huckleberry Finn

James: The American (or) The Ambassadors (or) The Portrait of a Lady

O’Neill: The Iceman Cometh

Frost: “Home Burial,” “The Death of the Hired Man,” “West-Running Brook”

Eliot: “The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock,” “Burnt Norton,” “Tradition and Individual Talent”

Faulkner: The Bear

Hemingway: A Farewell to Arms (or) “The Killers,” “The Short Happy Life of Francis Macomber,” & “The Snows of Kilimanjaro”

Fitzgerald: The Great Gatsby

Stevens: “Sunday Morning,” “The Emperor of Ice-Cream,” “Anecdote of the Jar”

Miller: Death of a Salesman

Ellison: Invisible Man

Plath: “Black Rook in Rainy Weather,” “Morning Song,” “The Rival”

P.S.

The second part of the exam was on Bernard Shaw's Arms and the Man. I would have preferred Major Barbara.   -Glen Brown

Bromance

 

There’s a new statue on the east end of the National Mall for Washington DC residents and tourists to enjoy. The bronze statue shows two men frolicking, grinning wide and holding hands, each with a foot joyously kicked back.

“We celebrate the long-lasting bond between President Donald J. Trump and his ‘closest friend,’ Jeffrey Epstein,” a plaque at the bottom of the spray-painted bronze installation reads. A permit from the National Park Service will allow the statue to stay on the National Mall grounds through 8pm on Sunday.

The fabricator of the statue remains unknown, but it has artistic and thematic similarities to recent art pieces critical of the president.

Past sculptures on the National Mall that paid side-eyed tribute to Trump include a bronze pile of poop perched on a congressional desk to “honor” January 6th protestors, and a statue titled “Dictator Approved,” featuring a golden thumbs up crushing the Statue of Liberty’s crown and the base featuring approving quotes of Trump from Vladimir Putin, Jair Bolsonaro, Kim Jong-un and Viktor Orbán…

-The Guardian

Say What?

 

 “A Mississippi senator shocked residents last week as he proposed a satirical new bill that would bizarrely see men fined for masturbating. It has left everyone wondering how it could possibly be enforced.  

“It was on January 20, that Mississippi state Senator Bradford Blackmon made the unusual move to propose that it should be made unlawful within the state for men to masturbate in any other sexual relations that involved 'discharging genetic material' without the express intention of 'fertilizing a human egg'.

“Meanwhile, the bill, which has been called the 'Contraception Begins at Erection Act' would still need to make its way past Republican Governor, Tate Reeves, for it to become set in law. It has left many wondering how such rules could ever be enforced by those in power.”

 

What else is the common housefly attracted to besides excrement?

 

"And while not interested in biting (the fly doesn't have the equipment for that), the common housefly, or musca domestica, does want to suck up the salt, dead skin, oil and whatever they find edible on the exposed epidermis [of Donald Trump's cheek] with its straw-like tongue."

Photo by Jeenah Moon, Reuters

Steven Wright

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ..... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever ... So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

 

This is the largest fossilized human turd ever found

It belonged to a sick Viking who lived approximately in the 9th century AD and has been valued at $39,000. The large, “precious” Poop, officially known as the Lloyds Bank Coprolite (the word “Coprolite” simply means fossilized dung) is thought to be the largest recorded in human history.

At 8 inches long and 2 inches wide, specimen was discovered, in York northwest England in 1972 by construction workers during the building of a Lloyds TSB branch, in an area once ruled by Norse warriors. It takes its name from the institution Lloyds Bank.

The huge poo had another red-letter moment in 1991 when dung scientist Dr. Andrew Jones appraised the piece in the name of insurance. “This is the most exciting piece of excrement I’ve ever seen,” he told the Wall Street Journal at the time. “In its own way, it’s as irreplaceable as the Crown Jewels.”

Paleoscatologists have been able to discern much from the girthy deposit, including that its producer ate mostly meat and bread and was likely a Viking, lived approximately in the 9th Century AD, and had a gut full of parasites.

Indeed, the manure was found to be infested with Whipworm and Maw-worm eggs, suggesting the Viking often had an upset stomach and other gastrointestinal problems.

Today, the log resides in a glass box at the Jorvik Viking Centre, York, England; where, in 2003, visitors dropped it, breaking it into three pieces. It has since been repaired.

The Centre is proud to call itself the turd’s final resting place, even hosting a virtual workshop in February called “Poo Day!” in which fans learned about the dung’s significance.

-New York Post

Moreover, regarding more humorous scatology:

Steven Wright

1. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2. Borrow money from pessimists—they don't expect it back.
3. Half the people you know are below average.
4. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5. 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8. If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9. All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11. I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
12. OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18. Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
20. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23. My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32. The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33. Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35. I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
36. It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
37. Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
38. I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
39. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
 
 

These Are Actual Complaints from Dissatisfied Customers to Thomas Cook Vacations

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."

8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

Source: Peter Dickinson

Mating 'til Death/Virgin Birth

 

This mammal mates so intensely that he disintegrates

“Live fast and die young” is the life motto of this little mouse-like marsupial. For two or three weeks, male antechinuses very nearly mate non-stop. Not long beforehand, his body had stopped making sperm, so he has to get it all out to pass on his genes. It’s imperative that the females get pregnant during this time so they have their babies in a season with plenty of food.

The male antechinuses do it with as many females as they can and each time can last as long as 14 hours. But the exhaustion takes hold of his body: his fur starts falling out, he’s internally bleeding, he gets gangrene, he goes blind, and soon enough, he drops dead.

Komodo dragons can have virgin births

It was a bit of a shock to zookeepers when a female Komodo dragon laid eggs despite being completely isolated from any males. How had she managed to reproduce all by herself? In science, this sort of virgin birth is called parthenogenesis. Her eggs fused with other materials in her body to make embryos.

Essentially, the Komodo dragon’s babies are her clones; they have the same DNA as her. Similarly, a python and a swellshark also surprised their keepers with their own virgin births. Some animals can do this if no males are around, as a last effort to pass their genes on to a new generation.

Science101.com