Monday, April 6, 2015

“A dead atheist is someone who’s all dressed up with no place to go”

Irreverence: “a deficiency in veneration or respect.”
Humor: “the faculty of perceiving what is amusing or comical.”
Wit: “the keen perception and cleverly apt expression of those connections between ideas which awaken amusement and pleasure.”

(from a recent issue of Funny Times, compiled by Jon Winokur)

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up: they have no holidays” (Henny Youngman).

“Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends” (Woody Allen).

“When I told the people in Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and asked if it was the Catholic God or the Protestant God I didn’t believe in” (Quentin Crisp).

“An atheist is a person who has no invisible means of support” (John Buchan).

“Atheism is a non-prophet organization” (George Carlin).

“You cannot prove the non-existence of God. You just have to take it on faith” (Woody Allen).

“Thank God I’m an atheist” (Luis Bunel).

“Perhaps the most lasting pleasure in life is that of not going to church” (William Inge).

“Do you know what you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an atheist? Someone who knocks on your door for no apparent reason” (Guy Owen).

“I don’t believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear” (Woody Allen).

 “When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord doesn’t work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me” (Emo Philips).

“I’m a born-again atheist” (Gore Vidal).

“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man—living in the sky—who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of 10 things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these 10 things, he has a special place full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ‘til the end of time. But He loves you!” (George Carlin).

“I was raised an atheist. Every Sunday we went nowhere. We prayed for nothing, and all of our prayers were answered” (Heidi Joyce).

“I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own interests” (Susan B. Anthony).

“You’re basically killing one another to see who’s got the better imaginary friend” (Richard Jeni).

“There once was a time when people believed in God and the church ruled. This time was called the Dark Ages” (Richard Lederer).

“I don’t know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn’t” (Jules Renard).
“A dead atheist is someone who’s all dressed up with no place to go” (anonymous).

1 comment:

  1. These are wonderful. Thanks for some humor in these idiotic times. Without Jon Stewart, I'm lost.