Irreverence: “a
deficiency in veneration or respect.”
Humor: “the faculty of
perceiving what is amusing or comical.”
Wit: “the keen
perception and cleverly apt expression of those connections between ideas which
awaken amusement and pleasure.”
The following excerpts are actual answers (with just a few
grammatical and spelling corrections) given on history tests and on Sunday school
quizzes by 5th and 6th graders:
Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and
mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert.
Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made
unleavened bread, which is bread made without ingredients. Moses went up Mount
Cyanide to get the 10 commandos. He died before he ever reach Canada, but the
commandos made it.
Solomon had 300 wives and 700 porcupines. He was an actual
hysterical figure as well as in the Bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy
too.
The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them
we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female
moth.
Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of
wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a
dramatic decline.
In the first Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier than they show on TV now.
Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battle fields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be
made king. Dying, he gasped out “Same to you, Brutus.”
Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by
Bernard Shaw for reasons I don’t really understand. The English and French
still have problems.
Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a
success. When she exposed herself before the troops, they all shouted “hurrah!”
and that was the end of the fighting for a long while.”
It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the
circulation of blood.
Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he
invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous for all of his men.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies,
comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Writing at the time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He
wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise
Lost. Since then no one ever found it.
Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he
kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most
famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half
Italian, and half English. He was very large.
Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took
long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of
the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two
cats backward and also declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”
He was a naturalist for sure. Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
Abraham Lincoln became the greatest precedent. Lincoln’s
mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation
Proclamation.
On the night of April 4, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They
believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This
ruined Booth’s career.
Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the
Species. It was very long and people got upset about it and had trials to see
if it was really true. He sort of said God’s days were not just 24 hours, but
without watches who knew anyhow? I don’t get it.
Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were
in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family
had to have a job, I guess.
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