Sunday, May 28, 2017

God’s Quality Management Questionnaire


Good fun revising and contributing to this satirical survey.

God’s Quality Management Questionnaire:

God would like to thank you for your belief and for your generous tithes.  In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few minutes to answer the following questions.  Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential and that you need not disclose your name or your address (for God is omniscient).

1.        How did you find out about God?

­­__Watching day-time TV                                                     
__ The National Enquirer                                              
__A near death experience
__ Divine Revelation                                                       
__Burning shrubbery                                                                                                            
__Baltimore Catechism                                                                                                     
__During orgasm                                                                                    
__Heard voices in the desert                                
__Camping trip near Roswell, New Mexico                          
__LSD (Lake Shore Drive)
__After damage to the pre-frontal cortex 
__Insurance salesman
__Other
              (specify): __

2.        Which model of God did you accept?

__Yahweh                                                                __Aphrodite
__Jehovah                                                                __Eric Clapton
__ Ares                                                                     __Thor
__Izanagi                                                                 __Ra
__Vishnu                                                                 __Logos
__Itzamna                                                              __Apollo                                                                
__Baal                                                                     __Rose of Sharon
__Aten                                                                     __U.S. Currency
__Zeus                                                                    __Other
                                                                                                (specify): __


3.        What factors were relevant in your decision to believe in a god?  Please check all that apply.

__Parental indoctrination                                         __Existential angst
__Bull & Bear markets                                            __Confirmation bias
__Thunder & lightning                                           __ Fear of death
__Belief that "I am special"                                      __Baptist church music
__A boxwood that caught fire                                 __In-group identification
__Bleeding relics                                                      __Wish for immortality
__The Inquisition                                                     __ Genetic predisposition
__Witch burning                                                       __Weeping Virgin icons
__The Crusades                                                        __Grandiose Delusions
__Levitation                                                             __ A piece of toast
__Paranoid Schizophrenia                                        __Trump's election
__Jehovah Witnesses                                               __Other
                                                                                                  (specify): __


4.        Are you currently using any other sources of inspiration in addition to God?  Please check all that apply.

__Tarot Cards                                                          __Bulfinch’s Mythology
__Astrology                                                             __Evangelical preachers
__Fortune cookies                                                   __Scientology
__Salvation Army                                                   __Dialectical Prestidigitation
__Psychic Friends Network                                    __Sex, Drugs, & Rock ‘n’ Roll
__Palmistry                                                             __Self-Help books
__Biorhythm                                                           __Animal sacrifice
__Tea Leaves                                                          __Crystals
__Pyramids                                                             __Deserts
__Christian Music                                                   __Maat
__Burning shrubbery                                               __Rappin' for Jesus
__Republican Party                                                 __Other    
                                                                                                (specify): __

5.  God also attempts to maintain a proper balance of disasters and miracles. 
 Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5, God’s handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory   5 = very satisfied)

a.        Disasters (or the problem of evil)

Floods                                                                     1    2    3    4    5 
Tsunamis                                                                 1    2    3    4    5 
Hurricanes                                                               1    2    3    4    5
Tornadoes                                                                1    2    3    4    5
Earthquakes                                                             1    2    3    4    5 
Famine                                                                     1    2    3    4    5 
Cyclones                                                                  1    2    3    4    5 
Drought                                                                   1    2    3    4    5  
Ignorance                                                                 1    2    3    4    5
Wars                                                                        1    2    3    4    5 
Terrorism                                                                 1    2    3    4    5
Pestilence                                                                 1    2    3    4    5 
Plagues                                                                    1    2    3    4    5  
Bacteria                                                                  1    2    3    4    5
Viruses                                                                   1    2    3    4    5  
Syphilis                                                                  1    2    3    4    5 
HIV/AIDS                                                             1    2    3    4    5
Chlamydia                                                             1    2    3    4    5
Genital Herpes                                                       1    2    3    4    5
Human Papillomavirus                                        1    2    3    4   
Gonorrhea                                                              1    2    3    4    5 
Cancer                                                                    1    2    3    4    5
Heart Disease                                                         1    2    3    4   
Alzheimer's                                                            1    2    3    4    5
Meningitis                                                               1    2    3    4    5
Tuberculosis                                                            1    2    3    4    5
Cholera                                                                  1    2    3    4    5
Smallpox                                                                 1    2    3    4    5 
Mosquitoes                                                              1    2    3    4    5
Malaria                                                                    1    2    3    4    5
Typhus                                                                     1    2    3    4    5 
Homophobia                                                            1    2    3    4    5
Misogyny                                                                1    2    3    4    5
Racism                                                                     1    2    3    4    5
Ethnic cleansing                                                       1    2    3    4    5
Xenophobia                                                              1    2    3    4    5
Irrationality                                                              1    2    3    4    5
Superstition                                                             1    2    3    4    5
Pedophilia                                                                1    2    3    4    5
Slavery                                                                    1    2    3    4    5
Poverty                                                                    1    2    3    4    5
Global Warming                                                       1    2    3    4    5
                                    Nuclear Weapons                                                      1    2    3    4    5
Political Corruption                                                  1    2    3    4    5
SPAM e-mail                                                           1    2    3    4    5
Fox News                                                                1    2    3    4    5
Most of U.S. Congress                                            1    2    3    4    5  
The Republican Healthcare Bill                             1    2    3    4    5
U.S. Bank CEOs                                                     1    2    3    4    5 
The Wealthy 1%                                                      1    2    3    4    5
                                The Tea Party                                                              1    2    3    4    5
                                The Illinois State Budget                                            1    2    3    4    5     
                                Jews vs. Muslims                                                          1    2    3    4    5
                                Orthodox Serbians vs. Catholic Croatians                 1    2    3    4    5
                                Hindus vs. Muslims                                                     1    2    3    4    5
                                Christians vs. Muslims                                                1    2    3    4    5
                                Buddhists vs. Hindus                                                   1    2    3    4    5
                                Protestants vs. Catholics                                             1    2    3    4    5
                                Sunnis vs. Shiites                                                        1    2    3    4    5
                               Pope Alexander VI                                                     1    2    3    4    5 
                               Jimmy Swaggart                                                       1    2    3    4    5
                                Jim Bakker                                                                  1    2    3    4    5
                                Joel Osteen                                                                1    2    3    4    5
                                Bill O’Reilly                                                             1    2    3    4    5 
                                Rush Limbaugh                                                     1    2    3    4    5
                                Ann Coulter                                                              1    2    3    4    5
                                William Boykin                                                        1    2    3    4    5
                                Jerry Falwell                                                            1    2    3    4    5
                                Pat Robertson                                                          1    2    3    4    5
                               John Wayne Gacy                                                    1    2    3    4    5
                               Fred Phelps                                                              1    2    3    4    5
                                Ted Bundy                                                               1    2    3    4    5
                                Charles Manson                                                       1    2    3    4    5
                                Laura Schlessinger                                                   1    2    3    4    5
                                Martin Shkreli                                                          1    2    3    4    5
                                Heather Bresch                                                         1    2    3    4    5
                                Geraldo Rivera                                                          1    2    3    4    5
                                Morton Downey Jr.                                                   1    2    3    4    5
                                Jared Fogle                                                               1    2    3    4    5
                                Rahm Emanuel                                                         1    2    3    4    5
                                Michael Madigan                                                     1    2    3    4    5
                                Bruce Rauner                                                           1    2    3    4    5
                                Totalitarianism                                                         1    2    3    4    5   
                                Vladimir Putin                                                         1    2    3    4    5     
                                Kim Jung Un                                                           1    2    3    4    5
                                Vlad III                                                                    1    2    3    4    5
                                Mao Zedong                                                            1    2    3    4    5
                                Idi Amin                                                                  1    2    3    4    5
                                Adolf Hitler                                                             1    2    3    4    5
                                Chiang Kai-Shak                                                      1    2    3    4    5
                                Leopold II                                                                1    2    3    4    5
                                Josef Stalin                                                              1    2    3    4    5
                                Ho Chi Minh                                                            1    2    3    4    5
                                Hideki Tojo                                                             1    2    3    4    5
                                Pol Pot                                                                     1    2    3    4    5
                                Yakubu Gowon                                                       1    2    3    4    5
                                Omar al-Bashir                                                        1    2    3    4    5
                                Than Shwe                                                               1    2    3    4    5
                                Robert Mugabe                                                        1    2    3    4    5
                                Islam Karimov                                                         1    2    3    4    5
                                Hu Jintao                                                                 1    2    3    4    5
                                Abdullah                                                                  1    2    3    4    5
                                Saparmurat Niyazov                                                1    2    3    4    5
                                Seyed Ali Khamenei                                                1    2    3    4    5
                                Teodoro Obiang Nguema                                         1    2    3    4    5
                                Benito Mussolini                                                     1    2    3    4    5
                                Heinrich Himmler                                                    1    2    3    4    5
                                Genghis Khan                                                          1    2    3    4    5
                                Osama Bin Laden                                                    1    2    3    4    5
                                Abu Bahr al-Baghdadi                                              1    2    3    4    5
                                Saddam Hussein                                                      1    2    3    4    5
                                Richard Nixon                                                          1    2    3    4    5
                                Hillary & Bill Clinton                                              1    2    3    4    5  
                                Dick Cheney                                                            1    2    3    4    5
                                George W. Bush                                                       1    2    3    4    5
                                Trump’s presidency & his entire cabinet                 1    
                                
                                                           Other (specify):___                       1    2    3    4    5   


b.        Miracles (or human testimony that contradicts well-established laws of nature)
Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5, God’s handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory   5 = very satisfied)

             "God answered my prayers"                                        1    2    3    4    5
                       

1 comment:

  1. Have you ever said the Lord's Prayer in earnest, including "Thy Will be done on earth as it is in heaven"? Have you then prayed to the same God to cure the disease His Will created and inflicted ,or have you ever prayed for good weather on a day His Will rained on your picnic?
    A. Of course, because God works in mysterious ways that mere mortals cannot understand.
    B. Yes, because God listens to every prayer, especially mine.
    C. Yes. God Bless America.
    D. No. Are you kidding me?
    E. He sees you when you're sleeping. He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness' sake. Pray, baby, pray!

    ReplyDelete