A writer must “know and have an ever-present consciousness that this world is a world of fools and rogues… tormented with envy, consumed with vanity; selfish, false, cruel, cursed with illusions… He should free himself of all doctrines, theories, etiquettes, politics…” —Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914?). “The nobility of the writer's occupation lies in resisting oppression, thus in accepting isolation” —Albert Camus (1913-1960). “What are you gonna do” —Bertha Brown (1895-1987).
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Wednesday, May 31, 2017
Sunday, May 28, 2017
God’s Quality Management Questionnaire
Good fun revising and contributing to this satirical survey.
God’s Quality Management Questionnaire:
God would like to thank you
for your belief and for your generous tithes.
In order to better serve your needs, God asks that you take a few
minutes to answer the following questions.
Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely
confidential and that you need not disclose your name or your address (for God
is omniscient).
1.
How did you find out about God?
__Day-time Evangelicalism
__ The National Enquirer
__After near death experience
__After near death experience
__ Divine Revelation
__Burning shrubbery
__Baltimore Catechism
__During orgasm
__Voices in the desert
__Camping trip near Roswell, New Mexico
__LSD
__Quora
__Quora
__Insurance salesman
__Other
(specify): __
__Other
(specify): __
2.
Which model of God did you accept?
__Yahweh __Aphrodite
__Jehovah __Eric Clapton
__ Ares __Thor
__Izanagi __Ra
__Vishnu __Logos
__Itzamna __Apollo
__Baal __Rose
of Sharon
__Aten __U.S.
Currency
__Zeus __Other
(specify):
__
3.
What factors were relevant in your decision to believe
in a god? Please check all that apply.
__Parental indoctrination __Existential angst
__Bull markets __Confirmation bias
__Thunder & lightning __ Fear of death
__Belief that "I am special" __Baptist church music
__A boxwood that caught fire __In-group identification
__Bleeding relics __Wish for immortality
__The Inquisition __ Genetic predisposition
__Witch burning __Weeping
Virgin icons
__The Crusades __Grandiose
Delusions
__Levitation __ A piece of toast
__Paranoid Schizophrenia __Trump's election
__Jehovah Witnesses __Other
(specify): __
4.
Are you currently using any other sources of
inspiration in addition to God? Please
check all that apply.
__Tarot Cards __Bulfinch’s
Mythology
__Astrology __Evangelical preachers
__Fortune cookies __Scientology
__Salvation Army __Dialectical
Prestidigitation
__Psychic Friends Network __Sex, Drugs, & Rock ‘n’ Roll
__Palmistry __Self-Help
books
__Biorhythm __Animal
sacrifice
__Tea Leaves __Crystals
__Pyramids __Deserts
__Christian Music __Maat
__Burning shrubbery __Rappin' for Jesus
__Republican Party __Other
(specify): __
(specify): __
5. God also attempts to maintain
a proper balance of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5, God’s handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory 5 = very satisfied)
Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5, God’s handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory 5 = very satisfied)
a.
Disasters (or the problem of evil)
Floods
1 2
3 4 5
Tsunamis 1 2
3 4 5
Hurricanes 1 2
3 4 5
Tornadoes 1 2
3 4 5
Earthquakes 1 2
3 4 5
Famine 1 2
3 4 5
Cyclones 1 2
3 4 5
Drought 1 2
3 4 5
Ignorance 1 2 3 4 5
Ignorance 1 2 3 4 5
Wars 1 2
3 4 5
Terrorism 1 2
3 4 5
Pestilence 1 2
3 4 5
Plagues 1 2
3 4 5
Bacteria 1 2 3 4 5
Bacteria 1 2 3 4 5
Viruses 1 2
3 4 5
Syphilis 1 2 3 4 5
HIV/AIDS 1 2 3 4 5
Chlamydia 1 2 3 4 5
Genital Herpes 1 2 3 4 5
Human Papillomavirus 1 2 3 4 5
Gonorrhea 1 2 3 4 5
Cancer 1 2 3 4 5
Heart Disease 1 2 3 4 5
Alzheimer's 1 2 3 4 5
Meningitis 1 2 3 4 5
Tuberculosis 1 2 3 4 5
Cholera 1 2 3 4 5
Smallpox 1 2 3 4 5
Syphilis 1 2 3 4 5
HIV/AIDS 1 2 3 4 5
Chlamydia 1 2 3 4 5
Genital Herpes 1 2 3 4 5
Human Papillomavirus 1 2 3 4 5
Gonorrhea 1 2 3 4 5
Cancer 1 2 3 4 5
Heart Disease 1 2 3 4 5
Alzheimer's 1 2 3 4 5
Meningitis 1 2 3 4 5
Tuberculosis 1 2 3 4 5
Cholera 1 2 3 4 5
Smallpox 1 2 3 4 5
Mosquitoes 1 2
3 4 5
Ichneumonid Larva 1 2 3 4 5
Bot Fly 1 2 3 4 5
Malaria 1 2 3 4 5
Typhus 1 2 3 4 5
Malaria 1 2 3 4 5
Typhus 1 2 3 4 5
Homophobia 1 2
3 4 5
Misogyny 1 2
3 4 5
Racism 1 2
3 4 5
Ethnic
cleansing 1 2
3 4 5
Xenophobia 1 2
3 4 5
Irrationality 1 2
3 4 5
Superstition 1 2 3 4 5
Superstition 1 2 3 4 5
Conspiracies 1 2 3 4 5
Pedophilia
1 2
3 4 5
Pedophilic Priests 1 2 3 4 5
Slavery 1 2
3 4 5
Poverty 1 2
3 4 5
Global Warming 1 2
3 4 5
Nuclear Weapons
1 2
3 4 5
Political
Corruption 1 2
3 4 5
SPAM
e-mail 1 2
3 4 5
Fox
News 1 2
3 4 5
One America News Network 1 2 3 4 5
QANON 1 2 3 4 5
Most of U.S.
Congress 1 2
3 4 5
The Republican Healthcare Bill 1 2 3 4 5
Big Pharma 1 2 3 4 5
The Republican Healthcare Bill 1 2 3 4 5
Big Pharma 1 2 3 4 5
Bank CEOs 1 2
3 4 5
The
Wealthy 1% 1 2
3 4 5
The Tea Party 1 2 3
4 5
The
Illinois State Budget 1 2
3 4 5
Scapegoating Public Employees and Retirees 1 2 3 4 5
Jews vs. Muslims 1 2
3 4 5
Orthodox Serbians vs. Catholic
Croatians 1 2
3 4 5
Hindus vs. Muslims 1 2
3 4 5
Christians vs. Muslims 1 2
3 4 5
Buddhists vs. Hindus 1 2
3 4 5
Protestants vs. Catholics 1 2
3 4 5
Sunnis vs. Shiites 1 2
3 4 5
Pope Alexander VI 1 2
3 4 5 Jimmy Swaggart 1 2 3 4 5
Jim Bakker 1 2
3 4 5
Joel Osteen 1 2
3 4 5
Bill O’Reilly 1 2
3 4 5
Rush Limbaugh 1 2
3 4 5
Ann Coulter 1 2
3 4 5
William Boykin 1 2
3 4 5
Jerry Falwell 1 2
3 4 5
Pat Robertson 1 2
3 4 5
John Wayne Gacy 1 2
3 4 5
Fred Phelps 1 2 3 4 5
Ted Bundy 1 2
3 4 5
Fred Phelps 1 2 3 4 5
Charles Manson 1 2
3 4 5
Laura Schlessinger 1 2
3 4 5
Martin Shkreli 1 2
3 4 5
Heather Bresch 1 2 3 4 5
Geraldo Rivera 1 2 3 4 5
Morton Downey Jr. 1 2 3 4 5
Heather Bresch 1 2 3 4 5
Geraldo Rivera 1 2 3 4 5
Morton Downey Jr. 1 2 3 4 5
Jared Fogle 1 2
3 4 5
Rahm Emanuel 1 2 3 4 5
Michael Madigan 1 2 3 4 5
Bruce Rauner 1 2 3 4 5
Totalitarianism 1 2 3 4 5
Vladimir Putin 1 2 3 4 5
Rahm Emanuel 1 2 3 4 5
Michael Madigan 1 2 3 4 5
Bruce Rauner 1 2 3 4 5
Totalitarianism 1 2 3 4 5
Vladimir Putin 1 2 3 4 5
Kim Jung Un 1 2
3 4 5
Vlad III 1 2
3 4 5
Mao Zedong 1 2
3 4 5
Idi Amin 1 2
3 4 5
Adolf Hitler 1 2
3 4 5
Chiang Kai-Shak 1 2
3 4 5
Leopold II 1 2
3 4 5
Josef Stalin 1 2
3 4 5
Ho Chi Minh 1 2
3 4 5
Hideki Tojo 1 2
3 4 5
Pol Pot 1 2
3 4 5
Yakubu Gowon 1 2 3
4 5
Omar
al-Bashir 1 2
3 4 5
Than Shwe 1 2
3 4 5
Robert Mugabe 1 2
3 4 5
Islam Karimov 1 2 3 4 5
Islam Karimov 1 2 3 4 5
Hu Jintao 1 2
3 4 5
Abdullah 1 2
3 4 5
Saparmurat Niyazov 1 2
3 4 5
Seyed Ali Khamenei 1 2
3 4 5
Teodoro Obiang Nguema 1 2
3 4 5
Benito Mussolini 1 2 3 4 5
Benito Mussolini 1 2 3 4 5
Heinrich Himmler 1 2
3 4 5
Genghis
Khan 1 2
3 4 5
Osama Bin Laden 1 2
3 4 5
Abu Bahr al-Baghdadi 1 2
3 4 5
Saddam Hussein 1 2 3
4 5
Richard Nixon 1 2 3 4 5
Hillary & Bill Clinton 1 2 3 4 5
Dick Cheney 1 2 3 4 5
George W. Bush 1 2 3 4 5
Mitch McConnell 1 2 3 4 5
William Barr 1 2 3 4 5
Paul Ryan 1 2 3 4 5
Lindsey Graham 1 2 3 4 5
Rudy Giuliani 1 2 3 4 5
Devon Nunes 1 2 3 4 5
Jim Jordan 1 2 3 4 5
John Ratcliffe 1 2 3 4 5
Elise Stefanik 1 2 3 4 5
Chuck Grassley 1 2 3 4 5
Ted Cruz 1 2 3 4 5
Marco Rubio 1 2 3 4 5
Richard Nixon 1 2 3 4 5
Hillary & Bill Clinton 1 2 3 4 5
Dick Cheney 1 2 3 4 5
George W. Bush 1 2 3 4 5
Mitch McConnell 1 2 3 4 5
William Barr 1 2 3 4 5
Paul Ryan 1 2 3 4 5
Lindsey Graham 1 2 3 4 5
Rudy Giuliani 1 2 3 4 5
Devon Nunes 1 2 3 4 5
Jim Jordan 1 2 3 4 5
John Ratcliffe 1 2 3 4 5
Elise Stefanik 1 2 3 4 5
Chuck Grassley 1 2 3 4 5
Ted Cruz 1 2 3 4 5
Marco Rubio 1 2 3 4 5
Matt Gaetz 1 2 3 4 5
John Neely Kennedy 1 2 3 4 5
Rand Paul 1 2 3 4 5
Rick Scott 1 2 3 4 5
Mike Pence 1 2 3 4 5
Mick Mulvaney 1 2 3 4 5
Rick Perry 1 2 3 4 5
Stephen Miller 1 2 3 4 5
Mike Pompeo 1 2 3 4 5
John Neely Kennedy 1 2 3 4 5
Rand Paul 1 2 3 4 5
Rick Scott 1 2 3 4 5
Mike Pence 1 2 3 4 5
Mick Mulvaney 1 2 3 4 5
Rick Perry 1 2 3 4 5
Stephen Miller 1 2 3 4 5
Mike Pompeo 1 2 3 4 5
Mike Pence 1 2 3 4 5
Ben Carson 1 2 3 4 5
Steven Mnuchin 1 2 3 4 5
Alex Azar 1 2 3 4 5
Andrew Wheeler 1 2 3 4 5
Betsy DeVos 1 2 3 4 5
Nikki Haley 1 2 3 4 5
Kevin McCarthy 1 2 3 4 5
Doug Collins 1 2 3 4 5
Mark Meadows 1 2 3 4 5
Kevin McCarthy 1 2 3 4 5
Doug Collins 1 2 3 4 5
Mark Meadows 1 2 3 4 5
Joshua Hawley 1 2 3 4 5
Ron Johnson 1 2 3 4 5
Ron Johnson 1 2 3 4 5
Mo Brooks 1 2 3 4 5
Tom Cotton 1 2 3 4 5
Rick Scott 1 2 3 4 5
Marjorie Taylor Greene 1 2 3 4 5
Lauren Boebert 1 2 3 4 5
Kellyanne Conway 1 2 3 4 5
Kellyanne Conway 1 2 3 4 5
Sean Spicer 1 2 3 4 5
Sarah Huckabee Sanders 1 2 3 4 5
Kayleigh McEnany 1 2 3 4 5
Ivanka Trump 1 2 3 4 5
Jared Kushner 1 2 3 4 5
Eric Trump 1 2 3 4 5
Donald Trump Jr. 1 2 3 4 5
Melania Trump 1 2 3 4 5
Donald Trump 1
Other (specify):___ 1 2 3 4 5
Donald Trump 1
Other (specify):___ 1 2 3 4 5
b.
Miracles (or human testimony that contradicts well-established laws of nature)
Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5, God’s handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory 5 = very satisfied)
"God answered my prayers" 1 2 3 4 5
Please rate on a scale of 1 – 5, God’s handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory 5 = very satisfied)
"God answered my prayers" 1 2 3 4 5
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